Rise of Berk

What a name! Rise of pillock is a tedious clash of clans sort of game where you have to build up the island of git by enslaving dragons from nearby islands which you find with your own pet dragon which is sent out on errands.

In defiance of this forced labour, I decided to release the first few dragons.

Can you blame me?

I’m pretty sure that they were the last 3 dragon eggs in existence though because my dragon started to bring back nothing but fish and logs. The game does specify that my people are “Vikings” and that does specifically mean we are a race of pirates and raiders. It’s fine that we’re stealing resources but it’s clear to see that plonker island is covered in trees so let’s steal something we don’t have in total abundance yeah? Don’t want to get ransacked when the saxons come to town.

I decided to have a look around my hamlet and it seems like the goal is to make houses for the teenage twats of wazzock island. Can’t they do it themselves? What else do they have going on? Some kind of bizarre Viking disco? While I, as the town architect do all the work? Sod that, let me into that Viking disco! That sounds like a much better game. There are enough games about construction and manual bloody labour already.

“Rise of Berk” is definitely a side order of cheap takeaway chips. Nasty potato slivers deep fried in lizard fat.

Bioshock infinite

This is the Gregg’s sausage roll of gaming. A highly sought-after, publicly adored tube of greasy badger meat.

PC games reviews

I often play PC games instead of spending time with loved ones or improving my skills so it only makes sense that I try to make the habit worthwhile and write a few moans for them as well as my weekly android quibbles.

These reviews may be a touch less frequent than my android reviews for the moment and their size and format may vary but hopefully they will be just as much fun regurgitate and ingest.

They also are largely not going to be free games, so more impoverished readers will have to stand wistfully at the windows of people who are not on job seeker’s allowance.

Soccer stars

Soccer stars is not soccer but a bizarre mutation of air hockey. This is good because I already used up everything I know about soccer in my Fifa 14 review, also because air hockey is majestic and wonderful. I’ve always loved air hockey tables. Where will the disc go? How have I scored more points against myself than against my opponent? What am I doing with my life?

I had a bit more fun with this game than I did with Fifa 14 and since the only mode I could access was local multiplayer only, I only ever played against myself, alone, in the dark, while weeping. I managed to win, but lose in a much deeper way.

This is a difficult image to write a humorous caption for.

I feel like more sports could benefit from including aspects from videogames and tabletop games. Imagine football but players sat on hovercraft and had to ricochet themselves off each other to hit the ball, just like in this game! Maybe you could have multipliers or multiple different types of balls and nets within the same game. Maybe you could roll a giant 20 sided die every 20 minutes with different consequences.

“Oh my god, we’ve rolled a 12! The field is being flooded with butter as we speak Tom and if you look closely, you’ll see that the hornets have been released. Who will find the bagpipes first? It’s anyone’s guess at this stage. Ohhhh and Jacobs has come up for air and is being stung repeatedly and mercilessly. It’s a big mistake for the blind boy wonder and a point deduction for his team. His manager isn’t going to be pleased with that Tom. We’ll recap after the break.”

I found Soccer Stars to be akin to a pot noodle. A bland but passable cup of dried worms and armpit juice.

Lines classic

Well, it turns out that over half of the top 10 games this month actually require an internet connection and so I can’t even bloody play them unless I spend a few hours guessing the neighbours internet password again, those greedy net hogging shits. Luckily, Lines classic is a good old fashioned offline game that people can play without being within the internet’s needy advert enabling clutches.

I’ve not researched this game’s developer but it feels safe to assume that it’s a small operation, I mention this because unlike The line, this game has a feeling that some passion has gone into its creation. I feel like it’s a format that I’ve played before but since it’s free and the ads are non-invasive, it lacks the usual greasiness of the other titles in the top 10. It’s like a game someone has made for their mum.

It’s lovely, too lovely in fact. It’s lacking in difficulty and I got bored and forced myself to lose because I didn’t want to play for 7 hours. Even then I didn’t lose or fail, I was congratulated on my progress and points. How wonderful.

I’m not sure what would make the game “classic ” though, there’s currently no variations like Lines original , Lines: Convergence or Overhead power Lines: Walrus edition at least not from the same developer. I think I would be more forgiving of having “classic” in a game’s title if the game was set to classical music or had classic theatrical settings but otherwise it’s just a bit presumptuous. Nitpicking.

“Ok…I guess”

I’d like to start comparing these games to foods because I think food is something a lot of people understand in terms of quality and there’s a whole world of available comparisons.

If Lines classic were a food, I’d say that it’s a packet of fruit pastilles, it’s an inoffensive sweet thing that won’t offend anyone but is missing nutritional value. Lovely.

Addendum: At the time of writing the first draft, the game was called Lines classic and it is now called Lines classic plus although it’s unclear what is additional as the game doesn’t appear to have changed so I’ll leave the review unchanged and see if anyone notices.

The Line

I don’t think that The Line is quite finished. The game consists of a red dot that causes a game over when it hits a green square like some kind of Magnavox odyssey game.

I understand that games don’t have to be pretty to be good but there’s just nothing here. Thomas was alone used lines and simple shapes but made a fantastic little game out of it. This is a barren wasteland devoid of fun or merit. There’s as much fun here as there is in eating stale bread or littering on public transport. It’s like the developers gave up half way as a joke and it became a hit anyway.

I actually played it with no internet connection at first and so my complaints were restricted to the lack of content but on my second go, I got adverts for Bubble witch  every time I failed. Adverts are to be expected in free games (irritatingly) but even TV limits its tat-foisting to 15 minute intervals. The Line couldn’t advertise to me more if the adverts were stapled to the inside of my eyelids.

No review at all.

I’m unsure what aspect of this game constitutes a title like The Line, maybe it’s the uncrossed one between prototype and finished game or even the amount of code used to make it.

Rating: Bumwash.

Bubble witch 2

Well bugger me, how on earth did I miss Bubble Witch 1? I wonder if it’s because the game is Puzzle Bobble with a happy Halloween theme and has been devoured by the unforgiving contempt of time.

Let’s hope so.

This rubbish bubble clone is not even awful to play. Everything is animated, the colours are bright and appealing. People have worked on this game with a modicum of effort. I just don’t care because it’s made by international bastards King. I don’t even want to make any more snide remarks involving it’s theme or unique quirks. It’s Puzzle Bobble… that’s it. I am too wearied by King games to play or berate their games any more.

From now on, if a King game makes it into the top 10 list I would otherwise be playing through and reviewing. I will just write the word “Shit”. And call it a day at that.

 

Well, it doesn’t feel like I’ve won.

Top 10 Free Android Games – July

It may not be July yet but I am just itching to write about all the new top games in the android play store… though that might just be head lice and worms again. Nevertheless, the top 10 list on the play store is 60% new games! I won’t be reviewing the same ones again so I may just get stuck into the sub-10 games just to see how much worse they can get before I sell all of the technological items I own and join a Norwegian whaling fleet. Minke whales don’t hunt themselves you know. How else will people fuel their lamps?

Anyway. I’ll just crack on with it. Thanks dedicated readership of people. You make it all worthwhile, not in a mutual respect sort of way or in a feeling of camaraderie way or any sort of way really. Shhhhh, it’s still a warm feeling. Don’t take it away from me. Or else.

Yours in Christ,
John Henders.

Fifa 14

Bloody hell. It’s the world cup again. What a shame that bluffball.com is currently down.

I haven’t played a sports game since Fifa 98 but luckily it seems the formula has barely changed at all. Kick, pass, shoot, run in a direction. Yes yes, perfectly flavourless football.

Sadly my favourite aspects from ’98 are missing in Fifa 14. You can’t make a team called The fart entrepreneurs with names like Barry Nipple and Erogenous Jones. And you can’t choose to have them wear rainbow coloured kit to blind your rivals. I mean, is it even football without those things?

The cardboard cutout crowd are still there, only in they are eerily motionless and they flash or sparkle periodically to simulate people taking pictures. I probably wouldn’t have bothered with this Fifa, it’s quite disconcerting to see a frozen man suddenly have a small star shining brightly from his crouch. And I can’t imagine the fans of football complaining about such a minor detail when often the commentary doesn’t even change between games.

Another feature which I miss quite a lot now that I think about it, is the ability to foul players mercilessly. I always enjoyed seeing my brother’s goalie successfully prevent a goal only to have one of my drones sliding tackle the bastard so hard that he’d never walk again. It was even better seeing the player receive his red card, with his face conveying a pure sentiment of “What the FUCK? I didn’t even touch him!”. This often devolved into a game of trying to score red cards instead of goals which is infinitely more fun than football itself.

“NIPPLE TWIST!”

There is a new feature where, when the ball goes out of play, all of the players on the pitch are immediately teleported away so that the person who throws it back in can do so without interruption. It’s odd for sure and it must play havoc with the minds of the players, I mean, after they are teleported, are they really the same or are they merely copies? Are any football players really any different anyway? I think teleportation is something that should definitely be incorporated into the corporeal form of the sport when we have the technology, it might spice things up or at least create some weirdly athletic philosophers.

If only real football was more like Fifa ’98. I recently snagged Honduras in a sweepstake as the potential winner of the Global cup. Honduras, are terrible at football. Their odds to win were 2500:1. If Honduras were allowed to win by maiming the players on the opposite team or making them “disappear” I’m confident that they’d easily come first. To quote wikipedia:

According to the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, Honduras has the highest rate of intentional homicide in the world, with 6,239 intentional homicides, or 82.1 per 100,000 of population in 2010.

I don’t have much else to say about this game. If you like football, you don’t need a person who turns off half of the rules, to convince you that this is a game you might like. If you hate football, probably don’t play this game about football because it’s almost entirely about football, which is a thing that you hate. Football.

Verdict: Football.

Farm heroes saga

Oh, it’s another saga game from international shit manufacturer: King. Well I’m currently on holiday on a remote island on the west coast of Ireland and I’ve actually seen a few farm heroes in the flesh.

A woman in a rusted car pulled up to my friend group as we struggled up a hill with our luggage. She offered to take our bags to our hostel in her car. It was an act of rare selflessness which renewed my faith in humanity (a bit). It was a good feeling too know that kindness was still in existence. Then I played this game and was encouraged to buy fucking ” hero powers ” and I vomited until I passed out.

You collect points for matching vegetables and whatever. It’s piss. Contrary to the more popular Pet rescue saga this game looks lovely, lots of nice animations and vector graphics but this doesn’t disguise the shitty core of this shit apple of a game.

In the farming industry, we call this “cooking the books to receive government subsidies.”

I wonder why pet rescue is more popular than farm heroes. What does it say about the players? That people are more attached to their pets and obedient creatures of leisure than the domesticated foodbags that they require for sustenance? What a bastard everyone is.  Actually since these are both meaningless videogames with as much cultural significance as a lamp, it doesn’t say anything about the players. Oh, I suppose that the overall popularity of these games might suggest that the public craving for tawdry pointless drivel will never, ever be sated. Good news for me at least!

I think as anyone who’s ever been within 1000 meters of a farm knows, that there’s one thing common to all farms and it’s that there’s shit everywhere. King have done a fantastic job of replicating this in every way imaginable. Their games are shit, their legal policy is shit and they just give off a really stunning  impression of being the corporate embodiment of shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if every King employee was encouraged to roll around in shit and throw it out of their office windows at passers by, well.. after they’ve got the blood out of their clothes from their daily robbing of elderly blind people of course.

Can’t wait for the sequel guys.

Subway surfers

This game was the first in the list that I would play by choice. It’s got bright colours, vandalism, fat cops and teenagers being hit by moving trains.

The aim of the game is the timeless quest to obtain as many gold coins as possible. You do this while sliding between 3 sets of train tracks while dodging obstacles and collecting power-ups. It’s not going to win awards for ingenuity… Or maybe it has? I don’t want to check, just in case it has and I wallow into a pit of endless despair.

I’m currently playing the game while enduring public transport, for authenticity. The smell of sweat and poverty definitely enhance the experience. We haven’t hit any teenagers yet, but not for lack of trying on the drivers behalf. The bus is full, I’ve looked around for fellow android gamers. There are none, but I can smell them. I get the feeling that the bus is not the place for twitchy gaming, the cornering ruins gestures for one thing and people complain when you crank the audio to hear coins being collected.

“Skullcrusher, maul this pig.”

To nitpick about the game’s name (as per tradition), the game isn’t set in subways. You don’t surf the train tracks or even the trains, you run, jetpack and roll but you never surf. This might not mean much to anyone else but it should. You could just call your game “Solar farts adventure” or “Pickled nipples” or “Sodbucket twats a shithouse” if the name doesn’t even relate to the game.

I really enjoyed it though actually. Vandalism IS fun. I once spray painted on a wall in Huddersfield, it wasn’t really vandalism because it was one of those ones that the local council say that you’re allowed to paint on. But it was almost as thrilling as the crime itself, much like the game. It doesn’t give you an adrenaline rush but it’s something to do to distract yourself from the monotony of the boring town you live in.

As I write this, there is a BEE in the bus. SHIT. Why did I distract myself? The normal rules for dealing with bees have failed. Sitting still is just making it angrier as the movement of the bus keeps punting it clumsily into the window. Should I announce the bee and try to get off the bus? I can hear the news now: “Society has started to collapse after an apprehensive 26 year old man warned a bus load of innocent people that a bee had entered the bus, initiating unstoppable waves of chaos and panic”. Okay, it’s managed to bumble out of the window. CHRIST.

I find it a little easier to write negatively about games so this one is a disappointment because it’s not terrible. You bastards, how dare you make a reasonably enjoyable game. Do you want to turn games reviewers into paupers who have to take the bus everywhere because they can’t afford a car? Oh…. I made myself sad.

Candy crush saga

What’s this? Another game by those sea cucumbers at King? Well I’ve already reviewed one of their games: “Pet crush saga” and utterly loathed it. So I’ve got pretty good idea of what to expect from this one.

Expectedly, it’s bloody awful. It’s the same as “pet saga“, only with more animations and glossier transitions. This seems bizarre considering that they made this game first. It just reinforces the notion that some greaseball  must have realised what a money pot he’d stumbled onto and then squeezed out another title with the word “saga” in it as quickly as possible.

So yeah, this game is just garbage really. I don’t like it, I don’t like King and I don’t like having to write about another one of their piss-stained games.

Although my contempt towards King is palpable. I feel a bit cruel mocking the match 3 genre on the whole. It’s like bingo. People still frequent bingo halls. I’m convinced that even bingo addicts know that bingo is about as much fun as stapling scorpions to your hands but take part in it to distract themselves from the forever looming scythe of death and to make friends with other lung cancer sufferers.

“And get into the van.”

Games like candy-crush are probably shared on facebook by millions of deranged fans. Maybe it’s the bingo crowd, maybe they hustle together in bingo halls and play king games for money and smokes. King should tailor a game just for them. They could make it about pound shops or complaining about Primark’s prices. They could fill it with colourful characters like: Janice, the sullen dinner lady who needs to find a leopard print jumper for £2.50 or less! They could even call it “Cigarette-crush saga”.

Verdict: Guffstorm.

ctOS

“Chicago-town-operating-system” is a rubbish add-on to the hit game “Watch-underscore-dogs” and absolutely nothing to do with pizza. I found it hugely disappointing. I haven’t played “watch_dogs” because the protagonist wears a silly mask and a sillier frowny face in order to appeal to people who are not me. And I’ll bet it has nothing to do with dogs in any sense.

I don’t have a Uplay account or an internet connection so I chose to play in offline mode. While in offline mode, you are only able to access the tutorials which give you a fairly solid idea of what the game is: shite.

Maybe all the people who bought “watch_dogs” will be thrilled to direct budgie the little helicopter around the untextured city of Chicago, although I’d never know it was Chicago if it didn’t tell me because the city consists entirely of grey boxes, making it like 90% of all cities and because I don’t know any American landmarks outside of the Alamo, that green woman and the worlds largest teapot (pictured).

The game’s goal is to accrue points by guiding a helicopter towards red cars. These red cars must be annihilated by releasing steam from nearby valves via..radio? Oh and by sending police cars after them which isn’t half as exciting as it sounds, but involves dragging blue cars near to red cars. Thrilling. It also has other stupid mechanics which I can’t be bothered to explain because they’re awful, sadly, none of the stupid mechanics involve stupid mechanics because that would be mildly amusing and this game is about as amusing as working as a taxi rank dispatch operator in Leeds.

Unlike the other games in this list, I have a strong suspiscion that this game will fade into obscurity about a month after “watch_dogs” is out: it’s just not worth anybody’s time. It doesn’t even seem like it would be fun to fans of the game. My recommendation is that you nobody should play this, not even if they’re the level designer’s mum.

It’s a load of old cack so it is.

Summary: Toss.

 

Pet Rescue Saga

King are copyright hoarding scumbags who like to steal people’s ideas for profit and laughs. They’ve also developed the third game in the list: “Pet Rescue Sage” which isn’t a saga but is a trite puzzle game where you eliminate coloured blocks for points. Your goal is to clear blocks until typical pet/farm animals reach the bottom of the screen but that’s basically it. Each level is a slightly different variation of this same task.

After my brain was numbed by repeatedly tapping colourful blocks, I started to ponder deeper issues, like “what the hell does this game have to do with rescuing pets?”. Perhaps the blocks are meant to represent chemicals and you’re rescuing them from becoming a nutrient rich sludge. Alternatively, perhaps you’re rescuing the poor creatures from becoming terrifying anthropomorphised godzillas.

“Help me.”

 

I did manage to fail one mission, and then these dodgy looking blokes appeared. So really you’re rescuing household pets from two guys dressed as stereotypical poachers from the 19th century. This seems like it’s a police matter. I’ve not done much research into it but I’m pretty sure that anti-poaching officers often have to resort to shoot-to-kill tactics and need guns or at least some gunpowder in a tube.

Artist: What graphic shall we use if the players fail? Producer: Oh maybe 2 guys dressed in khaki leaning against a giant broken heart sculpture. Artist: That doesn’t make much sense. Producer: Just draw the pictures Harold.

Luckily, after a few missions, gunpowder is exactly what you get. Fireworks. Absurdly though, you fire the fireworks at the pets and not the poachers. Come on King, have you even tried to think this through? It’s pretty obvious to most people that encouraging kids to launch fireworks at pets is pretty bloody despicable. It also feels a lot like letting the blocks fall onto the animals is going to hurt them. How many PETA members does King employ?

I think King should be banned from owning pets and I mean everyone who works there. Not just because the game encourages you to squash innocent animals and fire rockets at them, but because it doesn’t even matter if you don’t rescue them at all. Oh, you left 3 puppies behind? NEVERMIND, LEVEL COMPLETE -14,000 points!

Summary: Shit.

Slots OZ

“Slots OZ” is a slot machine simulator which uses fake money and requires players to match together pieces of Australian iconography, including: Ayr’s rock, kangaroos, koalas, sheep, the barrier reef, ostriches, a woman’s face and the Syndey Opera house.

That, was a wonderful paragraph to type.

YES.

Why the focus on Australia? Why not Madagascar or Austria or the Vatican city state? I can only guess that the primary audience for this game consists exclusively of patriotic Australian gamblers.

The gambling is free which is a little bemusing. The flashing colours and pictures are rather hypnotic though and the word “WILD” spins on some tiles for no reason which is wild in its own way. It is possible to spend real money to accrue some kind of abritrary gambling points to lose but I ignored this because it felt too much like real gambling. Interestingly, the level select takes the form of a beach with palm trees and a few Douglas Firs. Why not?

The game is simply mesmerising. What do I tap? The “Go” button next to the numbers “719”? The icon called “Stars”? I suddenly realised I could scroll to the righ on the map t and go to “Great China” but I didn’t want to ruin the Australian mystique that had won me over so far. I finally decided to tap on the ominous swirling vortex on the left side of the island but a lot of writing suddenly appeared, I recoiled and tapped at random spots on the screen until I thought the words had gone away. A new slots game had appeared, it had bubbles, mermaids and greek gods. It reminded me a bit of Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” and I began to daydream and wonder if Disneyworld had any slot machines. I looked it up and it turns out they do but only by for Star Wars and Marvel and they discontinued them in 2013. Apparently they weren’t in line with Disney’s family focused practices, which makes sense.  I then lost interest in Slots OZ and continued to spend an hour reading about deaths at Disney because Disney just feels sinister.

Imagine dying at Disneyworld. In the Disney castle with a panicked Donald trying to call for an ambulance. People screaming all around while that Disney theme tune plays in slow-motion. Maybe gene-wilder is grinning at you. Maybe free android games are rotting my brain. Maybe “Slots OZ” is the main culprit.

“Slots OZ” doesn’t really offend me. It’s too bizarre. It’s not really a game worth my time though and it’s not really a game…. it’s a virtual slot machine. Well done “Slots OZ”, you’re the least terrible of the “Top Games” I’ve played yet despite not being a bloody game.

I look forward to the following titles.

 

Seriously, what?

Clash of clans

“Clash of clans” is a  game I’ve heard of but not played until just now. I have never played it because it was advertised to me and any game that appears in adverts is presumably struggling financially. As I played it, I noticed that the game required me to spend green gems in order to progress some tasks otherwise they’d take 29 minutes. I quickly got into the habit of spending gems to speed up progress. Within a minute, I had spent all of my gold, elixir and gems by repeatedly upgrading my main hut, gold store and elixir storage. How else was I to build an economy without debt? I was unable to train any more than 1 troop…man, soldier. Regardless I sent him into onwards into battle against our enemies, alone. A one-man army.

He was not victorious.

Stop dying you coward!

I knew he would struggle without support but he died like a cretin, denying me the gems I craved. My empire was in ruins. I attempted another action. The game attempted to foist gems at me for real money! Hissssssssss! I threw my device across the room, to avoid spending money by mistake.

Since “Clash of clams corp” are clearly in need of ideas to make money. I would like to suggest to them that they redesign their game, and instead of asking players for money, the game should ask the world bank for a loan and then encourage players to obtain menial jobs, to increase their countries’ GDP. The government could pay the game company an annual sum of money, perhaps a few emeralds and then everyone would be happy.

I received a letter through my postbox today from a lady who lives in the next set of tenement houses. She remarked that she had taken over the role of weeding the grass in the communal garden as one of our neighbours had recently started pushing up daisies instead of pulling them up. Are daisies weeds? I don’t think so. She lamented that she would have to stop doing this job herself as her children were growing up (?). We were requested that all the neighbours in this block of flats raise a fund of up to at least £200 to pay for a gardener. She left no email address, only her phone number.  I called her up and told her that she would have to wait 29 weeks or pay me a one-off fee of £40 for a donation of 20 green gems but the weeds have been overgrowing lately and I’ve had no response so maybe the rest of the world is more patient than I am and I should forgive “Rash of rams” for its business model.

I really would prefer an alternative to it though. Maybe a game with a limited number of gems but they are in abundance for months. Players compete for scarce resources and have to build nations and fight wars over them. Paying players could act as arms dealers or oil barons but couldn’t then participate directly in nation leadership or military actions.

Ah to hell with it, maybe I’ll just make a “Clash of clans” clone, I’ll bet the genre hasn’t been tapped yet.

Don’t tap the white tile

Don’t tap the white tile is a game about how people are diagnosed and treated with sociopathy in modern society. Players interact with psychiatrists and psychopaths to determine the current state of psychiatry from the layman’s perspective. Players must deal with the over-zealousness of psychiatrists in creating disorders out of normal behavior, prescribing drugs to children and the moral difficulties surrounding people who have dangerous mental disorders which cannot be cured.

Actually no, that’s a book called  “The psycopath test” by Jon Ronson. Don’t tap the white tile is a game where you tap black tiles and you try not to tap the white ones, wheee!

When you do tap black tiles, a piano key is played, often to the tune of “Mary had a little lamb” or other simple tunes. At first I thought this was rather nice, then I made mistakes and the notes turned sour and it was like listening to someone with OCD learn how to play piano, one who couldn’t recover from mistakes and had to start over every-single-time they played a note incorrectly. I changed the sound mode setting to “default” and the notes were replaced by inharmonious bleeps and bwarps.

It felt a lot like playing as a defective player piano or  a little man, inside a player piano, trying to hit notes as I was instructed to although this didn’t feel like the intended design.

I’d like to report a crime against game design please

“Don’t tap the white tile” has 10 million downloads. 10 million people who have played as player pianos that can’t recover from mistakes even if they want to. I wonder what Kurt Vonnegut would think about that. I wonder if Kurt ever played videogames when he was alive.

I doubt it.

I doubt that many of my favourite authors would enjoy games, even half-life would probably be an alienating piece of shit to them the snobby high minded genius fools. Thankfully, most of them are dead already. If they played “Don’t touch the white tile” before they had died they probably would wish they were dead or, would commit suicide that little bit earlier. Jon Ronson, if you’re reading this. Stay away from free android videogames, for now at least.

100 BALLS

I had started this blog with the intention of giving myself 5 minute intervals for everything, 5 minutes of playing each game, 5 minutes of writing about it, 5 minutes (days) of laziness followed by 5 minutes (seconds) of rewriting. However, the first game at the top of the google play store was 100 Balls and it didn’t last more than 30 miserable seconds. You release 100 balls into a carousel of funnels and by doing so, you score points. It’s all so wasteful. You waste balls, you waste your own time, you waste brain cells. You could say the game itself is a kind of waste.

100 Balls made me feel nothing. It’s a trifle. Less interesting than a politician’s dreams and about as much fun as picking dirt out of your fingernails. Unsurprisingly it’s currently at the top of the “Top Games” list but I remember a category called “Top Free” which seems to have disappeared, perhaps free games block the pipes of commerce.

100 Balls would have been an easy game to make innuendo jokes about and I’m fairly certain some of those slipped in anyway  but I want to let you all know usually won’t sink to that level. The lowest I’ll go is toilet humor.

 

Top 10 free android games of June 2014: A review

For the upcoming weeks I will be attempting to cover the free android market to provide a comprehensive summary of each game and its value. I hope to provide some insights, bizarre analogies, genuine meanness and humanity to the world of game reviewing.

I’m choosing the free games because I am a cheap bastard.

I’m choosing android games because the phone I possess runs on android.

Enjoy.

Beautiful android goodness.