Crazy Taxi

I remember playing Crazy Taxi in the arcades of my hometown of Blackpool. It was great, beating the clock was a challenge and I was separated from my ill-deserved pocket money and thus prevented from buying anything I could use to hit people. The game had a physical wheel and gearstick too so there was an element of tactility and real driving skill involved. True fact: during my driving test, I tried to drive the wrong way down a one way street and the examiner had to take the wheel off me. Driving on roads isn’t fun anyway.

I can swipe to change lane but I can’t swipe away my tears after having my childhood memories shat all over.

Crazy Taxi for android is the same brand as the arcade game but a fundamentally different experience which has been crudely jammed into a format to which it doesn’t belong.

Direct free roaming control of your taxi has been dropped in favour of swiping left or right to change lanes or occasionally participate in a ludicrous scripted handbrake turn. Admittedly, phones are shit at emulating interactions that don’t involve swiping or tapping but that’s too bad. There’s probably no better way of doing it but I don’t award points for good intentions. The driving is shit.  You also don’t get to fart around as you please, instead you get linear missions. the number of which you can play at any time is now limited by ” fuel ” which can be bought for actual money and dignity.

There are some rather fun tank missions where the goal is to smash into as many cars as you can. The clever clogs developers realised they could flip around their awful controls and encourage you to plow into as many cars as possible . Irritatingly, they also realised that this mode was a lot more fun and made sure to monetise it. Well, they tease you with the odd freebie but if you want to play the fun part of the game more than once every 5 hours, you can unlock more  by buying some gems.  Fucking Gems. They couldn’t even be bothered to fucking contextualise it for fuck’s sake. What a load of shit.

Also, the arcade game had a feverish pace. You feared the clock, you swore at customers and hissed at traffic. The android game is a sorry cash-in which tries to tickle money out of your teats the same way every other free piece of dross does.

I’d only watch that video if it was the developers being eaten alive by vultures.

I’d be less harsh if the game had a price and wasn’t a butchered version of a game I loved and didn’t sit at the back of the bus smoking gem cigarettes, throwing push notifications at peoples heads and laughing. Sadly, it’s a game that makes me want to vomit into the developers eyeballs.

Auction Wars

The antiques roadshow is a television program which involves people selling priceless heirlooms which they’ve inherited from their dead relatives. Usually an expert will evaluate these trinkets, describing the item’s history in exquisite detail.

Storage wars and shows like it, involve American pawn shop owners bidding on storage containers which storage companies inherit from their dead customers.  Contestants get a few minutes to glance over the container, trying to estimate its value. The amusing twist is that people don’t know what they’ll get and often find that they’ve just spent $600 on a collection of soiled leather pants and 12 boxes of decomposing onions.

Auction Wars is the videogame version of the latter! Actually I suppose Bargain Hunt would be a more fitting comparison but I don’t think there’s anything close to an American version of David Dickinson.

Y’all know the star spangled banner right?

The joy of shows like Bargain Hunt and Storage wars is barking at the contestants for idiotically pissing away significant sums of money for insignificant things. Auction Wars focuses on this feeling of superiority and challenges you to appraise some abandoned shit in a box and then outbid a series of AI competitors for pretend profit.

There are two modes but I ignored multiplayer because I’m allergic to all forms of human contact. The singleplayer mode forces players to compete against three AI opponents. You’re given five seconds to poke at the tat in a storage unit to see a few dollar value estimations. You then engage in a frenetic bidding war for ownership of the contents. I found it relatively easy at first, ignoring units which were obviously filled with human entrails and bidding like crazy for containers filled with golden chests.

Cameron only has himself to blame. Cameron spent $400 on a broken radiator.

After I unlocked the second series of lockers, the difficulty ramped up considerably. I started to ignore  four out of five boxes just to avoid spending half of my money on units full of compost and hair. The AI also got significantly more devious. If a unit had something of obvious value the AI would go into a bidding frenzy, denying anybody a profit. They’re proper petty little bastards!

After about 20 minutes it becomes the most boring thing on earth but you continue to play, entranced. You ignore how boring the game actually is. You’re not a spectator anymore, you’re a competitor and you’ll be fucked before you let that fuckface Darrell fuck another unit away from you with his fat little head staring gormlessly into the distance as though he’s in a dream where four thousand cheeseburgers float through a wall toward him, begging to be devoured.

I had to stop playing, it’s kind of addictive but you get burned by the shithead AI too much. It also simulates the TV series with such accuracy that it also brings with it the associated “what am I doing with my life?” depression. I’d much prefer a game version of the Antiques Roadshow, you’d have to select an item of intrigue given to you by a deceased aunt, an expert would give you a nice soothing explanation of its history and worth. You could even select something at random from your own house like maybe… a television. Lovely.

 

Batman: Arkham Origins

Batman lives in a strange universe where he basically beats up people with less money than him as some kind of sick entertainment and gets away with it. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy his lunatic escapades. Videogame Batman is different to Film  and Comic Batman. Although he’s not meant to invincible (but is really) videogame Batman gets beaten up and slapped around in real time to hilarious effect. There’s no dramatic recovery or montage, he just gets his head kicked in and that’s brilliant.

I’ll be he would. Nice try Bruce.

Batman typically uses a certain amount of stealth and cunning to defeat his foes but in this game he’s decided he’s had enough of that boring shit and that he’ll rid the city of crime one fisticuff at a time. The android version of this game plays a lot like Hercules whereby you tap and swipe to pulverise strangers one on one. Enemies are awfully good sports about Batman’s new approach and kindly fight you one after the other in a single file line. It’s awfully nice of them considering his obvious wealth advantage. I guess criminals can be pretty noble if you give them a chance.

I do enjoy most Batman games which similarly allow for unbridled brawling so I can’t bollock the developers too much. The reason that the console games are better though, is that they allow you to use stealth and misdirection. You’re given an option other than brandishing your knuckles. If you develop a game which is just about battering idiots in the street, you might as well play as Hercules or John Prescott or Peter Molyneux.

Wanted in 41 countries.

The thing I love most about Batman games though is how amusing it is to see Batman fail. It’s hard not to chuckle when playing as the world’s greatest detective, only to see him get slapped in the back of the head with a baseball bat and kicked unconscious by a smattering of gormless thugs. There will never be a film where the The Dark Knight navigates beams in the roof of a steel mill, only to clumsily slip and fall into bucket of molten metal and subsequently burn/drowning to death but in games it happens.

I know Batman is owned by Warner Bros. but come on guys.. stars?

There’s a worry in my mind that, similar to other genres at the top of of the list, that people will outright copy Batman. They really shouldn’t though. Because that would be Robin.

I’m so sorry.

The Swapper

I’ve always thought games offer people the ability to manipulate character’s lives in a way that defies their true character.  Altering their malleable brains in a Being John Malkovic sort of way but often with less interesting results. The Swapper is a game which succeeds in this sense. The game forces the player to create clones of themself and then switch to those clones, provided they are within sight. I didn’t expect much from this mechanic but it actually evolves in some really interesting ways, both in terms of puzzling gameplay, storytelling and emergent pondering.

Come on, who would build a room like this?

I love that the gameplay mechanic is thought provoking. That’s something many game can’t claim. If I am falling from a cliff, then I swap to a clone. Does the clone feel pain? Would I willing to be a disposable clone so that a future clone can continue? Probably not but what if I had no choice? Also, can rocks think? In this game the answer is yes. Sentient boulders and rock samples philosophise on their nature and that of the universe as you walk past them and it’s always rather pleasing to see what they have to say I think. Seemingly this effect can bleed over into the real world.

Leave me alone! I’m on my way to work!

I once swapped with a person. I walked into a busy barbers in Huddersfield and was immediately asked “Are you John?”. I nodded, a little surprised. I took my seat and received a haircut. They then thanked me and rushed me out of the door. Basically, I stole some guy’s haircut. I’m not proud of it, but it did happen. Sorry other John. One of my favourite things about the game is that your abilities remain constant but as you progress through , you start to realise that you’re capable of more than you first imagined. The puzzles develop you and teach you  to use your given abilities to greater effect. It’s a difficult thing to get right and when it’s done well, it’s noticeable. I almost felt a pang of the joy of Abe’s Odysee but I’d say it’s a bit less devious in difficulty and far more serious in tone probably closer to Portal in that sense. I have to say I was smitten by the story of The Swapper. It’s an unusually intriguing space fiction and navigating the eerie halls and discovering the fate of the crew evokes  genuine curiosity and dread. Added to that is the hand-made clay environments and challenging puzzles. It’s really one of my favourite games of 2014. Maybe ever. You can obtain it from the FacePalmGames website or from Steam Swap to it.

Out of water

Well well well, if it isn’t my arch nemesis enjoyment. Trying to throw me of my game and defy the cynicism that holds my bones together.

Out of water is a game which is… pleasant. Your goal is to launch a fish or aquatic mammal across the surface of the ocean across as great a distance as possible. A set of crabs will then judge your performance, awarding points for distance travelled and skips uhh skipped. Some crabs are forgiving philanthropists, and others are spiteful misanthropes. It’s a bit of a contrivance but satisfying these anthropomorphic crustaceans is rather enjoyable.

I expect a 7 from that miserable swine Moe but from you Samantha? I thought we were friends.

You also get to select which fish/mammal you throw and each has its own pros and cons. The puffer fish for example typically gets decent distance with few skips.

It’s pleasing to the eye for the most part. Bright colours, smooth animations. Adverts are present in the form of banners being flown across the sky in tow of small planes. Part of me feels that blending ads into games this way is really rather sinister but actually I found these ads unobtrusive and preferable to the usual banners and full screen monstrosities.

Haha Micro! Because he’s a whale! Get it? Actually his growth is remarkably stunted for a whale, it’s unlikely he’ll last the winter.

My main criticism is that there’s little incentive to keep going. There are objectives and boost items but these don’t hold your attention for long. I think an alternative which managed this much better was Burrito Bison. Burrito bison provides you with a good deal more interaction, upgrades and clearly defined goals which are a pleasure to reach. It’s a browser game and it’s free. Give it a shot if you live the distance/launch genre.

 

 

Hercules

Hercules is a game loosely affiliated with the current cinematic of the same name. I say loosely because the film stars Dwayne Johnson but the game stars a steroid abusing fitness instructor from Leeds.

It wouldn’t have made much difference to the overall quality even if the artists had ever seen The people’s champion really. The game is a tedious repetition of quick-time-events. Players must swipe in various directions to deflect attacks and then brutalise their opponent when he gets a bit knackered. Both fighters do this while rooted to the spot; making the game about as exciting as sleeping on a soiled mattress in the street.

Your oiled legs won’t save you this time Hercules!

I didn’t play it for long enough to notice if the game tries to get you to buy stupid tat  but it’s safe to assume that it does at some point.

I’ve not seen the movie. It too seems doomed to be awful. That’s not a jab at The Rock mind you; it’s just that it’s competing with existing Hercules’ is probably not a good idea. Here’s a conversation that’s never going to happen: “Hey Carl, did you see Hercules last night?” -“Yes Donald, it was pretty good.”

I feel like I can guess the plot right now. Hercules is dicking around Athens doing nothing in particular or having a rough time. Some evil git (maybe Hades) turns up and starts kicking old ladies into nettles and maybe he weakens Zeus and the other gods using some kind of enchanted megaphone. Hercules tries to batter him but gets twatted back to the dirt he came from. Hercules goes for a long walk, kills several plebs. Hercules then finds greatness inside himself and maybe a magic item too. Hercules stomps on evil guy’s nuts to great applause and then impregnates a female character. End.

Nobody insults my oiled legs.

I could write movies. It’s a piece of piss.

Toilet and bathroom rush

Wow. I didn’t expect to see a game about toilets, not this close to the top. What an unexpected turn of events!

Bathroom and toilet rush is a quick paced series of minigames.  Each minigame requires the player to tap, swipe or tilt to succeed at some bizarre aspect of doing one’s business. You’ll have to sort out seat preferences for men/women in a unisex bathroom. You’ll have to roll bum paper under a door while avoiding floor turds. You’ll even have to wipe piss off a seat.

Great…

The worst minigame is tapping the screen while a man forces out a highly dramatic shit. It actually doesn’t come up often but it’s his facial expressions that make it mortifying.

Nobody sits on a toilet like that, you animal.

The game is not particularly graphic or obscene. Poos often appear pink in colour and so it’s difficult to tell what the game is trying to achieve. It doesn’t try to repulse you, even if it ends up doing so by mistake.  It’s certainly not funny. There’s are no comical fart sound effects or embarrassing situations. In fact, sometimes the game is frustratingly tough. The motion sensing minigames are unreasonably difficult on a Nexus 5 and they are easily one of the top three games chosen.

To top off the bewildering lack of direction. You can also purchase stupid tat. Ahh that’s what the game is trying to achieve. Profit from idiots.  Hooray, hooray for mobile gaming. 

I don’t think gold is even absorbant.

I thought I would have loads to say about this game but I actually don’t. When it boils down to it, it’s just a boring version of  Warioware but with about seven rubbish minigames.

I wouldn’t wipe my arse with this game. It should be flushed down the bog where it belongs.

Boxing game 3D

As I’ve mentioned in other articles, I know more about nostrils than I  do about sports. I’ve therefore been dreading this article. What a wonderful surprise I had when I launched the game. It’s not really a macho boxing game at all, its a failed university project with 2 animated characters and some rushed 3D assets lazily plopped into a game. In fairness, that sounds better than the games I cobbled together at university.

Boxing 3D’s one and only level is set on a beach or err, a desert. It’s hard to tell as the camera doesn’t move but there’s no sea in shot so let’s roll with desert. The boxing ring literally consists of four posts and a few bits of string. The pugilists comically slide across the sand trying to dish out as many slaps as possible until one falls asleep. I found that the best technique is to spam the upper left punch button, it never fails. I could be a pro boxer no bother. Seems to me like real boxers are wasting their time trying to vary their punch direction and movements. Protip boxing readers: Stick with one move, they’ll never see that twentieth punch coming.

If you kick sand into my eyes again Gary, I’m going to put you in the fucking ground!

Colossal failings aside, you can’t help but wonder why these two guys are boxing in the desert. Do they live in those huts? Is there water in those barrels? Is this an official UFC game as advertised on the title screen? Are they fighting over the barrels? What’s in those barrels?

I enjoyed how bad this game was. It makes very little sense, it’s got bad controls, bad graphics and it blasts adverts at me. I just don’t think a lot of effort was put in and it’s refreshing in that sense. There’s no marketing department involved and if there is, it’s hilariously dropped the barrel.

Those guys both seem kind of annoyed at that outcome but you can’t argue with those numbers.

10/10 Played, Laughed, Uninstalled.