Whinges are on the way, just… slower than usual. I may be whingeing a tad less over the Christmas period but whingeing will return to standard frequency in January. I tried to write one for today but I’m too knackered and contemptuous to squeeze out a whole one so here’s a brief summary of the games I reluctantly had a go at:
- Crazy Zombies: Boring zombie premised strategy game. Well, calling it a strategy game is a stretch, it’s hardly Napoleonic warfare. You have to choose which idiots go where tap on a special ability button every few seconds. It’s World of Warcraft where the characters don’t move and you get 2 abilities. Oh and it’s interspersed with dialogue that so bad it makes me want to superglue my eyelids closed.
The only thing that lets this game down is every aspect of it,
- Godus: Gag-inducing slime from the perpetually flapping gums of Saint Peter Molyneux. An irritating “god” game where your godly powers are laregly limited to stretching and shrinking platforms to please or frustrate a noisy crowd of hateful minions. Shit on a stick with no ice.
If only real deities were forced to deal with this level of annoying mico-management and… existed I guess.
- Five Nights at Freddy’s 2: A nauseating series of jpegs. A slideshow where sometimes when you flick back and forth between the slides and a creepy anthropomorphic animal with dead eyes stares back at you. Genuinely creepy at times, executed with the grace of a donkey.
This game is probably actually terrifying but I played it on the bus at rush hour and the smell induced more fear than this game ever could.
- Stick Hero: A non-game created by graphic designers. Very simple, tap and hold to create a bridge, if the bridge is too long, the hero walks to his death and you have to start again. About as deep and engaging as guessing the outcome of a coin toss. I play a lot of these types of the games on the store actually. Games with one concept and then an arcade style game over when you mess up. It’s not good design, it’s lazy and it’s wank.
A simple idea using simple graphics and a simple control scheme for simpletons.
- Turbo Dismount: This is like one of those golf games where you tap and hold to control the shot’s power, only instead of hitting a ball, you control a milk van’s speed and it crashes into stuff, tamely, causing a little ragdoll man to get a bit squashed. It reminded me of the crash test dummies and how an actual real game was made based around them instead of a poxy little, minimally interactive half-game.
Pictured: A game with simpler controls and less entertainment value than a plug socket.
Both Godus and Crazy Zombies required an internet connection to play too so they both get double shittiness points.
Modern phone games are about as much fun as inhaling glitter and coughing upwards into your own eyes. Merry Whingemas.
Games Whinge 