Bubble witch 2

Well bugger me, how on earth did I miss Bubble Witch 1? I wonder if it’s because the game is Puzzle Bobble with a happy Halloween theme and has been devoured by the unforgiving contempt of time.

Let’s hope so.

This rubbish bubble clone is not even awful to play. Everything is animated, the colours are bright and appealing. People have worked on this game with a modicum of effort. I just don’t care because it’s made by international bastards King. I don’t even want to make any more snide remarks involving it’s theme or unique quirks. It’s Puzzle Bobble… that’s it. I am too wearied by King games to play or berate their games any more.

From now on, if a King game makes it into the top 10 list I would otherwise be playing through and reviewing. I will just write the word “Shit”. And call it a day at that.

 

Well, it doesn’t feel like I’ve won.

Farm heroes saga

Oh, it’s another saga game from international shit manufacturer: King. Well I’m currently on holiday on a remote island on the west coast of Ireland and I’ve actually seen a few farm heroes in the flesh.

A woman in a rusted car pulled up to my friend group as we struggled up a hill with our luggage. She offered to take our bags to our hostel in her car. It was an act of rare selflessness which renewed my faith in humanity (a bit). It was a good feeling too know that kindness was still in existence. Then I played this game and was encouraged to buy fucking ” hero powers ” and I vomited until I passed out.

You collect points for matching vegetables and whatever. It’s piss. Contrary to the more popular Pet rescue saga this game looks lovely, lots of nice animations and vector graphics but this doesn’t disguise the shitty core of this shit apple of a game.

In the farming industry, we call this “cooking the books to receive government subsidies.”

I wonder why pet rescue is more popular than farm heroes. What does it say about the players? That people are more attached to their pets and obedient creatures of leisure than the domesticated foodbags that they require for sustenance? What a bastard everyone is.  Actually since these are both meaningless videogames with as much cultural significance as a lamp, it doesn’t say anything about the players. Oh, I suppose that the overall popularity of these games might suggest that the public craving for tawdry pointless drivel will never, ever be sated. Good news for me at least!

I think as anyone who’s ever been within 1000 meters of a farm knows, that there’s one thing common to all farms and it’s that there’s shit everywhere. King have done a fantastic job of replicating this in every way imaginable. Their games are shit, their legal policy is shit and they just give off a really stunning  impression of being the corporate embodiment of shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if every King employee was encouraged to roll around in shit and throw it out of their office windows at passers by, well.. after they’ve got the blood out of their clothes from their daily robbing of elderly blind people of course.

Can’t wait for the sequel guys.

Candy crush saga

What’s this? Another game by those sea cucumbers at King? Well I’ve already reviewed one of their games: “Pet crush saga” and utterly loathed it. So I’ve got pretty good idea of what to expect from this one.

Expectedly, it’s bloody awful. It’s the same as “pet saga“, only with more animations and glossier transitions. This seems bizarre considering that they made this game first. It just reinforces the notion that some greaseball  must have realised what a money pot he’d stumbled onto and then squeezed out another title with the word “saga” in it as quickly as possible.

So yeah, this game is just garbage really. I don’t like it, I don’t like King and I don’t like having to write about another one of their piss-stained games.

Although my contempt towards King is palpable. I feel a bit cruel mocking the match 3 genre on the whole. It’s like bingo. People still frequent bingo halls. I’m convinced that even bingo addicts know that bingo is about as much fun as stapling scorpions to your hands but take part in it to distract themselves from the forever looming scythe of death and to make friends with other lung cancer sufferers.

“And get into the van.”

Games like candy-crush are probably shared on facebook by millions of deranged fans. Maybe it’s the bingo crowd, maybe they hustle together in bingo halls and play king games for money and smokes. King should tailor a game just for them. They could make it about pound shops or complaining about Primark’s prices. They could fill it with colourful characters like: Janice, the sullen dinner lady who needs to find a leopard print jumper for £2.50 or less! They could even call it “Cigarette-crush saga”.

Verdict: Guffstorm.

Pet Rescue Saga

King are copyright hoarding scumbags who like to steal people’s ideas for profit and laughs. They’ve also developed the third game in the list: “Pet Rescue Sage” which isn’t a saga but is a trite puzzle game where you eliminate coloured blocks for points. Your goal is to clear blocks until typical pet/farm animals reach the bottom of the screen but that’s basically it. Each level is a slightly different variation of this same task.

After my brain was numbed by repeatedly tapping colourful blocks, I started to ponder deeper issues, like “what the hell does this game have to do with rescuing pets?”. Perhaps the blocks are meant to represent chemicals and you’re rescuing them from becoming a nutrient rich sludge. Alternatively, perhaps you’re rescuing the poor creatures from becoming terrifying anthropomorphised godzillas.

“Help me.”

 

I did manage to fail one mission, and then these dodgy looking blokes appeared. So really you’re rescuing household pets from two guys dressed as stereotypical poachers from the 19th century. This seems like it’s a police matter. I’ve not done much research into it but I’m pretty sure that anti-poaching officers often have to resort to shoot-to-kill tactics and need guns or at least some gunpowder in a tube.

Artist: What graphic shall we use if the players fail? Producer: Oh maybe 2 guys dressed in khaki leaning against a giant broken heart sculpture. Artist: That doesn’t make much sense. Producer: Just draw the pictures Harold.

Luckily, after a few missions, gunpowder is exactly what you get. Fireworks. Absurdly though, you fire the fireworks at the pets and not the poachers. Come on King, have you even tried to think this through? It’s pretty obvious to most people that encouraging kids to launch fireworks at pets is pretty bloody despicable. It also feels a lot like letting the blocks fall onto the animals is going to hurt them. How many PETA members does King employ?

I think King should be banned from owning pets and I mean everyone who works there. Not just because the game encourages you to squash innocent animals and fire rockets at them, but because it doesn’t even matter if you don’t rescue them at all. Oh, you left 3 puppies behind? NEVERMIND, LEVEL COMPLETE -14,000 points!

Summary: Shit.