Hercules

Hercules is a game loosely affiliated with the current cinematic of the same name. I say loosely because the film stars Dwayne Johnson but the game stars a steroid abusing fitness instructor from Leeds.

It wouldn’t have made much difference to the overall quality even if the artists had ever seen The people’s champion really. The game is a tedious repetition of quick-time-events. Players must swipe in various directions to deflect attacks and then brutalise their opponent when he gets a bit knackered. Both fighters do this while rooted to the spot; making the game about as exciting as sleeping on a soiled mattress in the street.

Your oiled legs won’t save you this time Hercules!

I didn’t play it for long enough to notice if the game tries to get you to buy stupid tat  but it’s safe to assume that it does at some point.

I’ve not seen the movie. It too seems doomed to be awful. That’s not a jab at The Rock mind you; it’s just that it’s competing with existing Hercules’ is probably not a good idea. Here’s a conversation that’s never going to happen: “Hey Carl, did you see Hercules last night?” -“Yes Donald, it was pretty good.”

I feel like I can guess the plot right now. Hercules is dicking around Athens doing nothing in particular or having a rough time. Some evil git (maybe Hades) turns up and starts kicking old ladies into nettles and maybe he weakens Zeus and the other gods using some kind of enchanted megaphone. Hercules tries to batter him but gets twatted back to the dirt he came from. Hercules goes for a long walk, kills several plebs. Hercules then finds greatness inside himself and maybe a magic item too. Hercules stomps on evil guy’s nuts to great applause and then impregnates a female character. End.

Nobody insults my oiled legs.

I could write movies. It’s a piece of piss.

Boxing game 3D

As I’ve mentioned in other articles, I know more about nostrils than I  do about sports. I’ve therefore been dreading this article. What a wonderful surprise I had when I launched the game. It’s not really a macho boxing game at all, its a failed university project with 2 animated characters and some rushed 3D assets lazily plopped into a game. In fairness, that sounds better than the games I cobbled together at university.

Boxing 3D’s one and only level is set on a beach or err, a desert. It’s hard to tell as the camera doesn’t move but there’s no sea in shot so let’s roll with desert. The boxing ring literally consists of four posts and a few bits of string. The pugilists comically slide across the sand trying to dish out as many slaps as possible until one falls asleep. I found that the best technique is to spam the upper left punch button, it never fails. I could be a pro boxer no bother. Seems to me like real boxers are wasting their time trying to vary their punch direction and movements. Protip boxing readers: Stick with one move, they’ll never see that twentieth punch coming.

If you kick sand into my eyes again Gary, I’m going to put you in the fucking ground!

Colossal failings aside, you can’t help but wonder why these two guys are boxing in the desert. Do they live in those huts? Is there water in those barrels? Is this an official UFC game as advertised on the title screen? Are they fighting over the barrels? What’s in those barrels?

I enjoyed how bad this game was. It makes very little sense, it’s got bad controls, bad graphics and it blasts adverts at me. I just don’t think a lot of effort was put in and it’s refreshing in that sense. There’s no marketing department involved and if there is, it’s hilariously dropped the barrel.

Those guys both seem kind of annoyed at that outcome but you can’t argue with those numbers.

10/10 Played, Laughed, Uninstalled.