Forest mania

A man sits down to play a new game, he dislikes it and decides to download another. Same game, different name. He repeats this eight times, trying game after game from the top of the Google play store. Something snaps. The man takes his shirt off and runs at full pelt into his desk. He damages his torso on a stapler and bites his coworkers when they try to help him. Security drags him out of the building as he kicks and screams incoherently about forests and “fucking shitty match 3 puzzle horse shit”. He is later sent to an institute for mentally impaired individuals.  He spends the rest of his life bouncing off the walls. Howling “I’m not crazy, it’s everyone else! Match 3 match 3 match 3. Bwagahaha”.

It’s a common affliction. Thousands of people are diagnosed with matchthrobia every year and the only cure is 5 years in an Amish community or death by snakes.

This entire genre is beginning to ruffle my petticoat. Parents want something nice for their kids to play? If they’re smart enough to use a phone or tablet, they’re smart enough to appreciate a good game. Give them Tetris or Abe’s Odyssee or something that builds and challenges their mind without being so damn nauseatingly mushy. This is the sort of game that makes people think that they have the spirit of a fox inside them. The kind of game that turns people into pony worshipping eunuchs.

Case in point.

If I have to play one more match 3 game, I’m going to have to become a eunuch myself. No child deserves to be brought into a world where match 3 games are the predominant genre in the top 10. No child deserves a bucolic father who won’t stop complaining about match 3 games.

Those are NOT orangutans.

Forest idiots is a crap game for babies and simpletons.

If it were a food, it would be liquorice. It’s nasty over-microwaved goat puke which is mistakenly in the same place as lovely nice sweet things.

Farm heroes saga

Oh, it’s another saga game from international shit manufacturer: King. Well I’m currently on holiday on a remote island on the west coast of Ireland and I’ve actually seen a few farm heroes in the flesh.

A woman in a rusted car pulled up to my friend group as we struggled up a hill with our luggage. She offered to take our bags to our hostel in her car. It was an act of rare selflessness which renewed my faith in humanity (a bit). It was a good feeling too know that kindness was still in existence. Then I played this game and was encouraged to buy fucking ” hero powers ” and I vomited until I passed out.

You collect points for matching vegetables and whatever. It’s piss. Contrary to the more popular Pet rescue saga this game looks lovely, lots of nice animations and vector graphics but this doesn’t disguise the shitty core of this shit apple of a game.

In the farming industry, we call this “cooking the books to receive government subsidies.”

I wonder why pet rescue is more popular than farm heroes. What does it say about the players? That people are more attached to their pets and obedient creatures of leisure than the domesticated foodbags that they require for sustenance? What a bastard everyone is.  Actually since these are both meaningless videogames with as much cultural significance as a lamp, it doesn’t say anything about the players. Oh, I suppose that the overall popularity of these games might suggest that the public craving for tawdry pointless drivel will never, ever be sated. Good news for me at least!

I think as anyone who’s ever been within 1000 meters of a farm knows, that there’s one thing common to all farms and it’s that there’s shit everywhere. King have done a fantastic job of replicating this in every way imaginable. Their games are shit, their legal policy is shit and they just give off a really stunning  impression of being the corporate embodiment of shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if every King employee was encouraged to roll around in shit and throw it out of their office windows at passers by, well.. after they’ve got the blood out of their clothes from their daily robbing of elderly blind people of course.

Can’t wait for the sequel guys.