The Wolf Among Us

To my complete surprise, a game I’ve been interested in for ages suddenly appeared in the play store, for free. I howled with delight when I saw The Wolf Among Us available for zero dollars. I immediately thought “What’s the catch?” and after googling, discovered the catch to be that all the subsequent episodes are not free. Well, that’s a whole god-damned game for free! Now for the adverts…

It’s really weird playing an android game for an hour and not seeing a single advert. It feels abnormal, like recycling or talking to strangers. Can a game truly be an android game if it’s free and has no adverts, paywalls, or  micro transactions? Perhaps it’s some kind of trick, an interactive wallpaper or hallucination. The developers at TellTale must be shitting their pants, it must be some mistake. Or, perhaps they published a game that wasn’t a total piss refinery and knew that people would be willing to pay for its equally good sequels. Nobody got hurt, nobody had to vomit out their eyeballs because they were asked to spend 79p on gems. They just made a game that was good.

Pay 79p to punch advertisers in the face. Bargain.

Gameplay is, well, it’s more of an interactive story with a few quick time events. I’ve ripped into android games for less and the controls are not the game’s selling point. Having played for about an hour, I can say that the story is interesting enough to warrant further sessions. The game is set in a section of New York where characters from mythology called “Fables” potter about trying to disguise themselves as humans using magic. There’s a gratuitous amount of swearing and violence which I suspect is to quickly dismiss any notion that this is a game for children (despite the character’s origins). It’s perhaps over eager in this regard but these help keep the narrative interesting and the dialogue is so well written that I’m genuinely interested to see what happens to many of the characters as they develop. I also think a bit of ultra violence is in short supply in the mobile games market. In fact, I’ve never seen a full decapitation or axe to the head in any games I’ve played. Such a pity. Come on Rovio, let’s see Angry Birds: Tarantino. There’s a market for it, I assure you.

Some negatives then. The game is buggy. I experienced a pretty severe crash that affected my Nexus 5’s OS and I’ve never seen any such issues from any other game. The autosave was well placed enough to prevent lost progress being an issue but I get nervous when I think about how badly my phone was chugging until I forcibly killed the power. On top of this, minor graphical issues are plentiful and the game caused my device to superheat to a temperature that defies the laws of thermodynamics so god knows what it would do to a lesser model.

I suspect the series will share some faults with the similarly engine’d The Walking Dead, with conveniently converging plot lines, completely illusory dialogue choices and too many unnecessary action scenes but these gripes don’t prevent it from being a largely enjoyable experience with engaging characters and meaningful stories that fans and newcomers to the series should enjoy.

Don’t not download this. It’s a paradise island among the sea of shit.

 

Auction Wars

The antiques roadshow is a television program which involves people selling priceless heirlooms which they’ve inherited from their dead relatives. Usually an expert will evaluate these trinkets, describing the item’s history in exquisite detail.

Storage wars and shows like it, involve American pawn shop owners bidding on storage containers which storage companies inherit from their dead customers.  Contestants get a few minutes to glance over the container, trying to estimate its value. The amusing twist is that people don’t know what they’ll get and often find that they’ve just spent $600 on a collection of soiled leather pants and 12 boxes of decomposing onions.

Auction Wars is the videogame version of the latter! Actually I suppose Bargain Hunt would be a more fitting comparison but I don’t think there’s anything close to an American version of David Dickinson.

Y’all know the star spangled banner right?

The joy of shows like Bargain Hunt and Storage wars is barking at the contestants for idiotically pissing away significant sums of money for insignificant things. Auction Wars focuses on this feeling of superiority and challenges you to appraise some abandoned shit in a box and then outbid a series of AI competitors for pretend profit.

There are two modes but I ignored multiplayer because I’m allergic to all forms of human contact. The singleplayer mode forces players to compete against three AI opponents. You’re given five seconds to poke at the tat in a storage unit to see a few dollar value estimations. You then engage in a frenetic bidding war for ownership of the contents. I found it relatively easy at first, ignoring units which were obviously filled with human entrails and bidding like crazy for containers filled with golden chests.

Cameron only has himself to blame. Cameron spent $400 on a broken radiator.

After I unlocked the second series of lockers, the difficulty ramped up considerably. I started to ignore  four out of five boxes just to avoid spending half of my money on units full of compost and hair. The AI also got significantly more devious. If a unit had something of obvious value the AI would go into a bidding frenzy, denying anybody a profit. They’re proper petty little bastards!

After about 20 minutes it becomes the most boring thing on earth but you continue to play, entranced. You ignore how boring the game actually is. You’re not a spectator anymore, you’re a competitor and you’ll be fucked before you let that fuckface Darrell fuck another unit away from you with his fat little head staring gormlessly into the distance as though he’s in a dream where four thousand cheeseburgers float through a wall toward him, begging to be devoured.

I had to stop playing, it’s kind of addictive but you get burned by the shithead AI too much. It also simulates the TV series with such accuracy that it also brings with it the associated “what am I doing with my life?” depression. I’d much prefer a game version of the Antiques Roadshow, you’d have to select an item of intrigue given to you by a deceased aunt, an expert would give you a nice soothing explanation of its history and worth. You could even select something at random from your own house like maybe… a television. Lovely.

 

The Swapper

I’ve always thought games offer people the ability to manipulate character’s lives in a way that defies their true character.  Altering their malleable brains in a Being John Malkovic sort of way but often with less interesting results. The Swapper is a game which succeeds in this sense. The game forces the player to create clones of themself and then switch to those clones, provided they are within sight. I didn’t expect much from this mechanic but it actually evolves in some really interesting ways, both in terms of puzzling gameplay, storytelling and emergent pondering.

Come on, who would build a room like this?

I love that the gameplay mechanic is thought provoking. That’s something many game can’t claim. If I am falling from a cliff, then I swap to a clone. Does the clone feel pain? Would I willing to be a disposable clone so that a future clone can continue? Probably not but what if I had no choice? Also, can rocks think? In this game the answer is yes. Sentient boulders and rock samples philosophise on their nature and that of the universe as you walk past them and it’s always rather pleasing to see what they have to say I think. Seemingly this effect can bleed over into the real world.

Leave me alone! I’m on my way to work!

I once swapped with a person. I walked into a busy barbers in Huddersfield and was immediately asked “Are you John?”. I nodded, a little surprised. I took my seat and received a haircut. They then thanked me and rushed me out of the door. Basically, I stole some guy’s haircut. I’m not proud of it, but it did happen. Sorry other John. One of my favourite things about the game is that your abilities remain constant but as you progress through , you start to realise that you’re capable of more than you first imagined. The puzzles develop you and teach you  to use your given abilities to greater effect. It’s a difficult thing to get right and when it’s done well, it’s noticeable. I almost felt a pang of the joy of Abe’s Odysee but I’d say it’s a bit less devious in difficulty and far more serious in tone probably closer to Portal in that sense. I have to say I was smitten by the story of The Swapper. It’s an unusually intriguing space fiction and navigating the eerie halls and discovering the fate of the crew evokes  genuine curiosity and dread. Added to that is the hand-made clay environments and challenging puzzles. It’s really one of my favourite games of 2014. Maybe ever. You can obtain it from the FacePalmGames website or from Steam Swap to it.

Out of water

Well well well, if it isn’t my arch nemesis enjoyment. Trying to throw me of my game and defy the cynicism that holds my bones together.

Out of water is a game which is… pleasant. Your goal is to launch a fish or aquatic mammal across the surface of the ocean across as great a distance as possible. A set of crabs will then judge your performance, awarding points for distance travelled and skips uhh skipped. Some crabs are forgiving philanthropists, and others are spiteful misanthropes. It’s a bit of a contrivance but satisfying these anthropomorphic crustaceans is rather enjoyable.

I expect a 7 from that miserable swine Moe but from you Samantha? I thought we were friends.

You also get to select which fish/mammal you throw and each has its own pros and cons. The puffer fish for example typically gets decent distance with few skips.

It’s pleasing to the eye for the most part. Bright colours, smooth animations. Adverts are present in the form of banners being flown across the sky in tow of small planes. Part of me feels that blending ads into games this way is really rather sinister but actually I found these ads unobtrusive and preferable to the usual banners and full screen monstrosities.

Haha Micro! Because he’s a whale! Get it? Actually his growth is remarkably stunted for a whale, it’s unlikely he’ll last the winter.

My main criticism is that there’s little incentive to keep going. There are objectives and boost items but these don’t hold your attention for long. I think an alternative which managed this much better was Burrito Bison. Burrito bison provides you with a good deal more interaction, upgrades and clearly defined goals which are a pleasure to reach. It’s a browser game and it’s free. Give it a shot if you live the distance/launch genre.

 

 

Dino hunter

Dino Hunter is a rather pleasant game where one hunts prehistoric beasts with increasingly more blistering blunderbusses. Jolly good! Actually it’s modern rifles and weapons but I think I can forgive that so long as I get to unlock a flamethrower or rocket launcher at some point.

I’m all for shooting velociraptors in the dome, I’ve had nightmares about the bloody things since I saw Jurassic park at age 6. The evil things are fear incarnate. They aren’t slow like zombies or absurdly fictional like vampires or student loans. They can think and move insanely fast. They can leap over buildings and even open doors. Oh and if that wasn’t enough, they hunt in packs, so if one doesn’t get you its friend will.

Check to your left damnit, CHECK TO YOUR LEFT.

The levels consist of brief challenges where you have to bump off various dinosaurs using modern military instruments of death. You get to upgrade your weapons in a number of ways and the goal is to aim for the soft spots or the scalp before they flee or separate you from your digestive tract.

It’s simple and effective, if you get eaten you’re treated to a minor bollocking and you use up one of your turns. There’s only a limited amount of turns or “energy” each day which is not unusual for free games and could be considered quite bloody annoying if you were in any way irritable but it’s preferable to adverts I beleaguredly suppose.

My one point of concern is that some of the herbivorous dinosaurs would rather run away than attack you which puts you in an awkward situation where your only option is to shoot the poor creature in the rectum. This awkwardness is in turn compounded by a Sniper Elite style bullet cam which follows the bullet as in enters the animal’s small intestine.

I didn’t sign up for this.

I don’t mind killing the carnivorous ones because they’re dangerous and terrify me. And don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see other dinosaurs that I recognise (shout out to you Mildred) but killing the smaller, tamer dinosaurs that run away and squeal in terror feels unnecessarily monstrous and barbaric, much like stomping on snails in your back garden while laughing maniacally.

Just to hammer the point home, I enjoyed this game a great deal was thrilled to finally play a game that made good use of my phone’s good specs so I’m possibly biased but daaaamn, this game looks good.

Dino Hunter is a delicious steak sandwich. It’s tasty and lovely and I’d serve it to my friends anytime. Bravo good sirs!

Stickman click

This game took me by complete surprise. It defies the current trend of coloured block games and architecture simulators by being a game about murdering little men in a certain order without one of them witnessing another’s murder or death. If you mess the order up and kill only 4 out of 6, you lose.

It’s entertaining enough actually, planning it so that one man opens a window after being awoken by a radio, only to have the window amusingly decapitate him and have his head fall into the pool. The goal is to get the head to fall into the pool while it’s unoccupied so that you can turn on the pool jets to launch the decapitated head through the bathroom window at high speed, killing a bathroom urinater. Glee.

Added bonus, I think I just invented the word “urinater”.

It’s not a game that commands your attention for long. Once you figure out the plan, the game is over. There’s a macarbe joy in messing it up though and having the little stick men scramble away in fear as a little stick skull lands next to them. It’s not a deep game, not challenging or even particularly inventive but it doesn’t matter. It’s still a laugh. It’s alright. Calm down you’re making a scene. Let go of my arm, you’re hurting me. CALL THE POLICE!

The artistic style hasn’t changed from what I remember of the browser based stick man games from a trillion years ago actually. It looks kind of low quality but it seems intentional and in fact more detail would be unnecessary for what the game attempts to achieve. It’s like a lazy 5 minute hitman game.

Stick man click is without a doubt a ready salted packet of two own brand crisps. Bland, devoid of nutrients, not enough to sate hunger, but a nice little nibble even if people say it’s bad for you and you’re embarrassed to eat them on the bus.

Soccer stars

Soccer stars is not soccer but a bizarre mutation of air hockey. This is good because I already used up everything I know about soccer in my Fifa 14 review, also because air hockey is majestic and wonderful. I’ve always loved air hockey tables. Where will the disc go? How have I scored more points against myself than against my opponent? What am I doing with my life?

I had a bit more fun with this game than I did with Fifa 14 and since the only mode I could access was local multiplayer only, I only ever played against myself, alone, in the dark, while weeping. I managed to win, but lose in a much deeper way.

This is a difficult image to write a humorous caption for.

I feel like more sports could benefit from including aspects from videogames and tabletop games. Imagine football but players sat on hovercraft and had to ricochet themselves off each other to hit the ball, just like in this game! Maybe you could have multipliers or multiple different types of balls and nets within the same game. Maybe you could roll a giant 20 sided die every 20 minutes with different consequences.

“Oh my god, we’ve rolled a 12! The field is being flooded with butter as we speak Tom and if you look closely, you’ll see that the hornets have been released. Who will find the bagpipes first? It’s anyone’s guess at this stage. Ohhhh and Jacobs has come up for air and is being stung repeatedly and mercilessly. It’s a big mistake for the blind boy wonder and a point deduction for his team. His manager isn’t going to be pleased with that Tom. We’ll recap after the break.”

I found Soccer Stars to be akin to a pot noodle. A bland but passable cup of dried worms and armpit juice.

Lines classic

Well, it turns out that over half of the top 10 games this month actually require an internet connection and so I can’t even bloody play them unless I spend a few hours guessing the neighbours internet password again, those greedy net hogging shits. Luckily, Lines classic is a good old fashioned offline game that people can play without being within the internet’s needy advert enabling clutches.

I’ve not researched this game’s developer but it feels safe to assume that it’s a small operation, I mention this because unlike The line, this game has a feeling that some passion has gone into its creation. I feel like it’s a format that I’ve played before but since it’s free and the ads are non-invasive, it lacks the usual greasiness of the other titles in the top 10. It’s like a game someone has made for their mum.

It’s lovely, too lovely in fact. It’s lacking in difficulty and I got bored and forced myself to lose because I didn’t want to play for 7 hours. Even then I didn’t lose or fail, I was congratulated on my progress and points. How wonderful.

I’m not sure what would make the game “classic ” though, there’s currently no variations like Lines original , Lines: Convergence or Overhead power Lines: Walrus edition at least not from the same developer. I think I would be more forgiving of having “classic” in a game’s title if the game was set to classical music or had classic theatrical settings but otherwise it’s just a bit presumptuous. Nitpicking.

“Ok…I guess”

I’d like to start comparing these games to foods because I think food is something a lot of people understand in terms of quality and there’s a whole world of available comparisons.

If Lines classic were a food, I’d say that it’s a packet of fruit pastilles, it’s an inoffensive sweet thing that won’t offend anyone but is missing nutritional value. Lovely.

Addendum: At the time of writing the first draft, the game was called Lines classic and it is now called Lines classic plus although it’s unclear what is additional as the game doesn’t appear to have changed so I’ll leave the review unchanged and see if anyone notices.

Subway surfers

This game was the first in the list that I would play by choice. It’s got bright colours, vandalism, fat cops and teenagers being hit by moving trains.

The aim of the game is the timeless quest to obtain as many gold coins as possible. You do this while sliding between 3 sets of train tracks while dodging obstacles and collecting power-ups. It’s not going to win awards for ingenuity… Or maybe it has? I don’t want to check, just in case it has and I wallow into a pit of endless despair.

I’m currently playing the game while enduring public transport, for authenticity. The smell of sweat and poverty definitely enhance the experience. We haven’t hit any teenagers yet, but not for lack of trying on the drivers behalf. The bus is full, I’ve looked around for fellow android gamers. There are none, but I can smell them. I get the feeling that the bus is not the place for twitchy gaming, the cornering ruins gestures for one thing and people complain when you crank the audio to hear coins being collected.

“Skullcrusher, maul this pig.”

To nitpick about the game’s name (as per tradition), the game isn’t set in subways. You don’t surf the train tracks or even the trains, you run, jetpack and roll but you never surf. This might not mean much to anyone else but it should. You could just call your game “Solar farts adventure” or “Pickled nipples” or “Sodbucket twats a shithouse” if the name doesn’t even relate to the game.

I really enjoyed it though actually. Vandalism IS fun. I once spray painted on a wall in Huddersfield, it wasn’t really vandalism because it was one of those ones that the local council say that you’re allowed to paint on. But it was almost as thrilling as the crime itself, much like the game. It doesn’t give you an adrenaline rush but it’s something to do to distract yourself from the monotony of the boring town you live in.

As I write this, there is a BEE in the bus. SHIT. Why did I distract myself? The normal rules for dealing with bees have failed. Sitting still is just making it angrier as the movement of the bus keeps punting it clumsily into the window. Should I announce the bee and try to get off the bus? I can hear the news now: “Society has started to collapse after an apprehensive 26 year old man warned a bus load of innocent people that a bee had entered the bus, initiating unstoppable waves of chaos and panic”. Okay, it’s managed to bumble out of the window. CHRIST.

I find it a little easier to write negatively about games so this one is a disappointment because it’s not terrible. You bastards, how dare you make a reasonably enjoyable game. Do you want to turn games reviewers into paupers who have to take the bus everywhere because they can’t afford a car? Oh…. I made myself sad.