Toy story was meant to sell merchandise to kids. Kids see the toys in the movie, then they screech at their progenitors until they appeased or sufficiently beaten. Kids can relate to toys. That’s how children’s evil manipulative brains work. As it turned out Toy Story was also a modern masterpiece.
Cars was also created with the intention of winning over kids and, unsurprisingly, it worked. Children can be such idiots. Go into any Disney store and you’ll probably find that a large portion of the store is dedicated exclusively to Cars merchandise. Sadly, Cars lacks the theatrical wonder of Toy Story and is about as emotionally gratifying as being hit with a brick.
The android game however, IS actually great. JK, of course it’s not, it’s a streetcar named despair.
Players hold the pedal down to go fast and let go to slow down. So in essence, it’s a less complicated than a YouTube video.
Sometimes an up or down swipe is required to navigate an obstacle but 99.9% of the potential challenge has been removed in order to prevent kids from getting pneumonia or something. I appreciate that they’re aiming for children as a target market but when opening the app itself is more taxing than actually playing it, you’re fostering a generation of kids who’d struggle to operate a light switch.
If the utterly dreadful gameplay isn’t enough to drive you crazy (sorry) then the obscenely conceited world and contemptible characters certainly will. This applies in particular to Lightning McQueen. Even though he belittles his fellow cars and constantly reminds them of his superior speed, all the other sentient vehicles seem to think he’s some kind of automobile jesus.
“Take off your wheels and strip to your chassis.”
It seems unfair that Lightning isn’t judged by the practical abilities of the other vehicles. If I were the tow truck, I’d force Lightning to have a towing competition to prove how pitifully useless he was. It would have double the impact as the cars needing to be towed would in all likelihood be the corpses of his crashed speedy brethren.
I do wonder where all the people are in the cars universe. The fact there are none implies that the cars became sentient, finally had enough and exterminated all human life on earth. How does their economy work? How would they use currency and build tracks? I know they can move their axles but without digits, it seems unlikely they’d be able to construct a loop-de-loop or… anything at all really.
I didn’t continue very far into this game because I found it unbearable. It’s a game for idiots. If you encourage a child to play it, you’re an idiot. Instead of paying for microtransactions, why not give your child something useful like a book or a gun or a beating?
“I’ll definitely do that right now.” – No kid who ever saw this screen.
Games Whinge 