Start putting up your Christmas tree, it’s the beginning of October! It’s nearly time to burn an effigy of a man lived 400 years ago but before that we have to celebrate an old Celtic or possibly Christian tradition which has been fashioned into a western version of Dia de los muertos.
Nevermind all that though. Halloween is really all about encouraging childhood obesity and putting pumpkins on EVERYTHING.
Obviously, small developers have tried to make a quick buck out of the celebration by littering the play store with a plethora of poxy little pustules and I’ve cobbled together a few of the most pestilent.
HALLOWEEN MYSTERY
This game is about as mysterious as a 3×3 tile shifting game can be. Which unsurprisingly, is not even a tiny bit mysterious at all. It’s about as much fun as skating through sick.
Maybe I will, I certainly couldn’t be less lucky right now.
HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE
Picture an adventure in your head. Imagine a treasure, a backdrop, an epic tale of overcoming danger concluding in a thrilling conclusive apex. Did you picture 3 minutes of identical pumpkin jpegs cascading towards you? Was your backdrop a tiled wallpaper of skulls? Did the music from your vision continue forever? If so, congratulations! You’ve could make Halloween adventure games for a living and/or may have irreparable brain damage!
“Game design is for twats” – The developer
HALLOWEEN SPA
What says Halloween more than a spa where you can dress a woman up in vaguely Halloween based clothing? A spa where you can dress up a woman in Halloween based clothing and draw cocks on their face with makeup.
I’m such a child. Also, can’t believe they used cucumbers instead of pumpkins… amateurs.
YUMM HALLOWEEN
This game has you put your fingers in the mouth of a creepy little 3D demon for as long as you can. Leave your fingers in there too long and his mouth snaps shut and you lose. It’s actually somewhat disconcerting and might give you a psychological jolt for about 4 second but that’s 4 second more than the other games in this list.
“See? No gag reflex!”
LITTLE COMMANDER HALLOWEEN
As this game loads, the logo for “Intel software” appears so I was briefly expecting a treat but was instead greeted with a trick! This game is the original little commander only with pumpkins lazily slapped into the heads of the enemies. It’s also got some pretty horrendous graphics. Come on intel, you’re supposed to be a giant in the tech industry. Anyone would thing this game was made by a solitary cheese coated recluse.
The luftwaffe’s attempt at fear mongering was weak at best.
FOOLZ: FEAR OF HALLOWEEN
This is probably even more half-arsed than HALLOWEEN MYSTERY. The goal is to save some poorly animated plebs from death by performing a multitude of interactions similar to “Dumb ways to die”. It would probably be the best game in the list if it didn’t force you to sit and watch your points add up after each level. It takes about a second to get through 10 points so if you’ve just scored 200 points, you’ve got a 20 second wait until you can play the next minigame. Shit. Actually horrifically shit.
“Only commies use fewer than 4 fonts per screen.” – The developer
That’s enough horrors for me, I need to go out and buy mini toothbrushes to disappoint this years’ trick or treaters.
I sincerely doubt there’s even such a thing as a good Halloween based android game. If you know of one that isn’t total garbage, let me know about it and if I agree, I’ll review it proper before the month is out!
Games Whinge 