Shelter

Shelter is a third person badger simulator from Might and Delight and it’s a game which requires you to act as mother to five cubs: protecting them, feeding them and guiding them to safety. It’s more linear than I had expected but the unusual subject matter and pastel palette make it a feast for the eyes and the noggin. The drama of the story has driven me to write an open letter to one of its characters.

 

To Spiky, of the badger family:

Spiky, you were not my favourite of the litter. However, you made it clear that you were a badger with survival instincts. You did not wince when Stripey was battered against rocks by the river’s current. You did not mourn when a hawk’s talons snatched Spotty. You cried out only when your belly craved more turnips with which to fatten yourself.

Spiky, this planet does not support sufficiently large ecosystems to satisfy such a turnip lust. Even as the forest burned and our family dwindled I fed you. I had to, you were the only cub left and your greedy little whelps distracted me from the grief.

When the hawk came for me. I knew you would not help. You hid your engorged belly as best as you could among the grass and ignored my struggle out of cowardice. You left me to die.

My only solace is knowing that your overeating will lead you to some form of badger diabetes and you will likely die hungry and doubtless, alone.

Your mother,

John Hendry

Shelter is a beautiful game. It’s reminiscent of The Animals Of Farthing Wood in its brutality and its charm. I highly anticipate seeing more from Might and Delight. It’s available from the their website or can be added to your sett on Steam.

The Battle Cats

A game about cats! Purrfect! Let’s see how many cat based puns I can litter this review with! My whiskers tingle with fear when I have to play as a cat in a game. This is largely because I worked briefly in a kennel and cattery while I was a nipper. In the dog kennel there were cranky little terriers, mischievous rottweiler pups and a great dane the size of Denmark itself. Feeding and walking the dogs was an absolute joy. Even the dogs which were initially nervous around me became friendly once they learned that I was the bringer of delicious jellied pig entrails. Conversely, the cats in the cattery considered themselves prison inmates and used every opportunity they had to shank me with their razor claws.

Meow on to the game. There’s certainly nothing immediately abhorrent about it. Levels are brief and fun. Upgrades are amusingly titled, varied enough to provide a unique experience and best of all, don’t cost real money. The game starts off at a decent pace, purring and rubbing itself against your brain legs. It doesn’t dig its micro-transaction claws into your shins right away, although they are there and I’ve got a feeling that the difficulty might unfairly spike at some point* at which point players will be given an unexpected financial scratch unless they the game in a burlap sack and throw it into the river of uninstallation.

*(Tiny Dice Dungeon knows what I’m talking about)

Poor Japan. They don’t even stand a chance.

I’ve played through 10 levels so far without an enemy getting within range of my cat cannon, so I’d say that even if the difficulty does spike to unplayable levels like other games, you do get a decent amount of uninterrupted gameplay furrst. I do like the art stye of the game and the cat cannon is particularly purr-ty. I guess I have to catnip this positivity in the bud and do some complaining! The music and sound effects get monotonous fast if you’re an irritable bastard like me and the learning curve is slow to ramp up, it’s too easy for too long.

“I look forward to disemboweling your entire family.”

 

I would have liked an alternative where I’d get to play as the dogs. That might have been ruff on the developers though. Haha! get it? that was a dog one! I’m so sorry.

If you’re feline like playing a decent android game. The Battle Cats is a tail which is well worth digging your fangs into. Paws for effect.

Pokemon: Status effects

Plenty of people have criticised the pokemon universe for it’s barbarism and shameless cruelty, typically complaints are lobbed at the enslavement of pokemon, a clearly sentient species. Towever, that’s not the only way the universe is deranged. Here’s a brief appraisal of the common status effects which plague the poor beasts during battle.

1. SLEEP

Sleep in non-human animals refers to how the behavioral and physiological state of sleep, mainly characterized by reversible unconsciousness[1]

What kind of sleep constitutes “slumber”? Reversible sleep. Exactly the kind of sleep Pokemon aren’t affected by during battles, because they can’t be nudged back into consciousness. Not only that but they can be attacked and physically damaged to the point that they can’t wake up. This doesn’t sound like sleep to me, it sounds like paralysis.

2. PARALYZE

Paralysis is loss of muscle function for one or more muscles. Paralysis can be accompanied by a loss of feeling (sensory loss) in the affected area if there is sensory damage as well as motor.

Oh yes, pokemon can be (temporarily) paralysed. Any trainer who doesn’t pull a paralysed pokemon back into its slavery sphere is must be some kind of sadist. “Oh no antagonist trainer, my pokemon is merely unable to move its limbs. Please continue to beat it senseless.”

3. BURN

A burn is a type of injury to flesh or skin caused by heat, electricity, chemicals, friction, or radiation.^[1]

Fair enough.

4. POISON.

Toxins are poisons produced by some biological function in nature, venoms are usually defined as toxins that are injected by a bite or sting to cause their effect, while poisons are generally defined as substances absorbed through the skin or gut.

Venom/poison pedantry aside, this ailment represents pure villainy from any trainer who uses it. Ignoring all other barbarism, pokemon battles are meant to be gentlemanly pursuits ideally. Why then, is it socially acceptable to poison another persons pokemon? It’s an effect that persists beyond battles, causing a lasting, pervasive state of unnecessary suffering.

“Hello fellow pokemon enthusiast, your Koffing has poisoned my Charmeleon, do you have anything that might help cure it?”

“Fuck you, it’s your problem now.”

5. CHARM

Seduction is the process of deliberately enticing a person, to lead astray, as from duty, rectitude, or the like; to corrupt, to persuade or induce to engage in sexual behaviour.

Okay, again… this doesn’t really seem like a status effect. It’s not something you’d think could be suddenly employed during battle. I suppose that if you were a Pokémon and another Pokémon batted its eyelashes at you instead of trying to remove your intestines, you might be temporarily disinclined to fight back. I doubt Pokémon want to become bloodthirsty drones for their captors. Trainers must have hearts of ice.

6. FROZEN

Hypothermia (from Greek ὑποθερμία) is a condition in which the body’s core temperature drops below that required for normal metabolism and body functions. This is generally considered to be less than 35.0 °C (95.0 °F).^[1] Characteristic symptoms depend on the temperature. In mild hypothermia there is shivering and mental confusion. In severe hypothermia there may be paradoxical undressing, where a person removes their clothing, as well as an increased risk of the heart stopping.^[1]

So, if you actually froze, your body functions would cease. You’d die. Instead, the condition Pokémon get exposed to is more likely to be hypothermia, which is still fairly capable of causing death. Surely the only reason this status effect is even legal is that it’s comparatively rare. I doubt deaths get reported much. From the wiki article it seems like the most common aspect of hypothermia is actually confusion.

7. CONFUSED

The term, “acute mental confusion”^[1] is often used interchangeably with delirium^[2] to describe a pathological degree in which it usually refers to loss of orientation (ability to place oneself correctly in the world by time,^[3] location;^[3] and/or personal identity^[3]) and sometimes accompanied by disordered consciousness (loss of linear thinking)^[3] and loss of memory (the ability to correctly recall previous events or learn new material).

Ah, now this seems like a good old fashioned case of mental breakdown. Probably a result of repeated brain trauma from events where Pokémon get paralysed, burned, frozen, beaten or poisoned.

I think it’s safe to assume that everyone gets confused from time to time but it’s rarely the case that someone would punch themselves in the face as a result. Surely Pokémon would just forget where their keys are or wonder why it has to fight for beings that would happily leave it for centuries inside of a computer. No wonder confusion is one of the most common effects.

Out of water

Well well well, if it isn’t my arch nemesis enjoyment. Trying to throw me of my game and defy the cynicism that holds my bones together.

Out of water is a game which is… pleasant. Your goal is to launch a fish or aquatic mammal across the surface of the ocean across as great a distance as possible. A set of crabs will then judge your performance, awarding points for distance travelled and skips uhh skipped. Some crabs are forgiving philanthropists, and others are spiteful misanthropes. It’s a bit of a contrivance but satisfying these anthropomorphic crustaceans is rather enjoyable.

I expect a 7 from that miserable swine Moe but from you Samantha? I thought we were friends.

You also get to select which fish/mammal you throw and each has its own pros and cons. The puffer fish for example typically gets decent distance with few skips.

It’s pleasing to the eye for the most part. Bright colours, smooth animations. Adverts are present in the form of banners being flown across the sky in tow of small planes. Part of me feels that blending ads into games this way is really rather sinister but actually I found these ads unobtrusive and preferable to the usual banners and full screen monstrosities.

Haha Micro! Because he’s a whale! Get it? Actually his growth is remarkably stunted for a whale, it’s unlikely he’ll last the winter.

My main criticism is that there’s little incentive to keep going. There are objectives and boost items but these don’t hold your attention for long. I think an alternative which managed this much better was Burrito Bison. Burrito bison provides you with a good deal more interaction, upgrades and clearly defined goals which are a pleasure to reach. It’s a browser game and it’s free. Give it a shot if you live the distance/launch genre.

 

 

Dino hunter

Dino Hunter is a rather pleasant game where one hunts prehistoric beasts with increasingly more blistering blunderbusses. Jolly good! Actually it’s modern rifles and weapons but I think I can forgive that so long as I get to unlock a flamethrower or rocket launcher at some point.

I’m all for shooting velociraptors in the dome, I’ve had nightmares about the bloody things since I saw Jurassic park at age 6. The evil things are fear incarnate. They aren’t slow like zombies or absurdly fictional like vampires or student loans. They can think and move insanely fast. They can leap over buildings and even open doors. Oh and if that wasn’t enough, they hunt in packs, so if one doesn’t get you its friend will.

Check to your left damnit, CHECK TO YOUR LEFT.

The levels consist of brief challenges where you have to bump off various dinosaurs using modern military instruments of death. You get to upgrade your weapons in a number of ways and the goal is to aim for the soft spots or the scalp before they flee or separate you from your digestive tract.

It’s simple and effective, if you get eaten you’re treated to a minor bollocking and you use up one of your turns. There’s only a limited amount of turns or “energy” each day which is not unusual for free games and could be considered quite bloody annoying if you were in any way irritable but it’s preferable to adverts I beleaguredly suppose.

My one point of concern is that some of the herbivorous dinosaurs would rather run away than attack you which puts you in an awkward situation where your only option is to shoot the poor creature in the rectum. This awkwardness is in turn compounded by a Sniper Elite style bullet cam which follows the bullet as in enters the animal’s small intestine.

I didn’t sign up for this.

I don’t mind killing the carnivorous ones because they’re dangerous and terrify me. And don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see other dinosaurs that I recognise (shout out to you Mildred) but killing the smaller, tamer dinosaurs that run away and squeal in terror feels unnecessarily monstrous and barbaric, much like stomping on snails in your back garden while laughing maniacally.

Just to hammer the point home, I enjoyed this game a great deal was thrilled to finally play a game that made good use of my phone’s good specs so I’m possibly biased but daaaamn, this game looks good.

Dino Hunter is a delicious steak sandwich. It’s tasty and lovely and I’d serve it to my friends anytime. Bravo good sirs!

Angry birds: Epic

I was expecting Angry Birds Epic to be the same “Angry birds” I played and have avoided since 2011 but surprisingly it turned out to be an RPG in the style of  Battleheart. This is great! Sort of. I kind of wanted it to be a mildly altered Angry Birds. Part of the catapult-em-up allure is the lovely physics and that’s gone out the window in favour of turn-based RPG drudgery.

It’s got polish but there’s nothing thrilling about the new direction. It’s a numbingly tame RPG and it’s decidedly non-epic. This is presumably to avoid scarring children for life with excitement or to avoid scarring advertising partners for life by introducing some kind of challenge.

Innovative RPG gameplay! well… the same gameplay as every RPG 

The inclusion of “rage chilis” is another thing which irritated me. Me, cheery, non-complacent, happy-go-lucky old me. Eating the chilis is supposed to boost the power of the birds because… spicy foods = power I suppose. However, the reason chilli peppers are spicy to our mammalian palates is to discourage us from eating them. Chili plants actually want birds to eat them because birds can’t taste the spice and then the birds will carpet-bomb-shit out those seeds over a wide area. What I’m saying is, birds couldn’t taste the damn peppers. I’m sure Rovio will realise this and patch it soon though. They wouldn’t want to look like idiots would they?

There’s certainly lots of the usual boring RPG faff in this game. There’s collectible tat, critical hits, mages but who has the patience for the repetition huh? You? Your mates? Noel Edmonds? Personally, after battle 3, I’ve had enough. I don’t want to see the enemies. I don’t want to waste my time organising the minutia of a battle. I want to be the emporer penguin commanding platoons of… birds over a minefield assaulting an enemy nest castle. That would be epic.

I want too much I think, clearly the game is aimed at the millions of drooling infants who are already besotted with the franchise. You can get angry birds soap, angry birds toothpaste. I’d be surprised if you couldn’t find angry birds vegetable oil at this point.

I don’t know if I hate this game enough to truly slate it and it wouldn’t make bugger all difference to anybody if I did so… good work Rovio, you untouchable goliaths. Consider yourselves told. By me. One man. With my blog and smattering of subscribers. Yeah, just you try and win me back (I will accept cash bribes of any amount).

Angry Birds Epic is the gazpacho soup of games. It’s wholesome, probably good for you but it’s actually fairly unpleasant and in dire need of a kick.

This bird’s face sums up how I feel about this game.

Rise of Berk

What a name! Rise of pillock is a tedious clash of clans sort of game where you have to build up the island of git by enslaving dragons from nearby islands which you find with your own pet dragon which is sent out on errands.

In defiance of this forced labour, I decided to release the first few dragons.

Can you blame me?

I’m pretty sure that they were the last 3 dragon eggs in existence though because my dragon started to bring back nothing but fish and logs. The game does specify that my people are “Vikings” and that does specifically mean we are a race of pirates and raiders. It’s fine that we’re stealing resources but it’s clear to see that plonker island is covered in trees so let’s steal something we don’t have in total abundance yeah? Don’t want to get ransacked when the saxons come to town.

I decided to have a look around my hamlet and it seems like the goal is to make houses for the teenage twats of wazzock island. Can’t they do it themselves? What else do they have going on? Some kind of bizarre Viking disco? While I, as the town architect do all the work? Sod that, let me into that Viking disco! That sounds like a much better game. There are enough games about construction and manual bloody labour already.

“Rise of Berk” is definitely a side order of cheap takeaway chips. Nasty potato slivers deep fried in lizard fat.

Farm heroes saga

Oh, it’s another saga game from international shit manufacturer: King. Well I’m currently on holiday on a remote island on the west coast of Ireland and I’ve actually seen a few farm heroes in the flesh.

A woman in a rusted car pulled up to my friend group as we struggled up a hill with our luggage. She offered to take our bags to our hostel in her car. It was an act of rare selflessness which renewed my faith in humanity (a bit). It was a good feeling too know that kindness was still in existence. Then I played this game and was encouraged to buy fucking ” hero powers ” and I vomited until I passed out.

You collect points for matching vegetables and whatever. It’s piss. Contrary to the more popular Pet rescue saga this game looks lovely, lots of nice animations and vector graphics but this doesn’t disguise the shitty core of this shit apple of a game.

In the farming industry, we call this “cooking the books to receive government subsidies.”

I wonder why pet rescue is more popular than farm heroes. What does it say about the players? That people are more attached to their pets and obedient creatures of leisure than the domesticated foodbags that they require for sustenance? What a bastard everyone is.  Actually since these are both meaningless videogames with as much cultural significance as a lamp, it doesn’t say anything about the players. Oh, I suppose that the overall popularity of these games might suggest that the public craving for tawdry pointless drivel will never, ever be sated. Good news for me at least!

I think as anyone who’s ever been within 1000 meters of a farm knows, that there’s one thing common to all farms and it’s that there’s shit everywhere. King have done a fantastic job of replicating this in every way imaginable. Their games are shit, their legal policy is shit and they just give off a really stunning  impression of being the corporate embodiment of shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if every King employee was encouraged to roll around in shit and throw it out of their office windows at passers by, well.. after they’ve got the blood out of their clothes from their daily robbing of elderly blind people of course.

Can’t wait for the sequel guys.

Pet Rescue Saga

King are copyright hoarding scumbags who like to steal people’s ideas for profit and laughs. They’ve also developed the third game in the list: “Pet Rescue Sage” which isn’t a saga but is a trite puzzle game where you eliminate coloured blocks for points. Your goal is to clear blocks until typical pet/farm animals reach the bottom of the screen but that’s basically it. Each level is a slightly different variation of this same task.

After my brain was numbed by repeatedly tapping colourful blocks, I started to ponder deeper issues, like “what the hell does this game have to do with rescuing pets?”. Perhaps the blocks are meant to represent chemicals and you’re rescuing them from becoming a nutrient rich sludge. Alternatively, perhaps you’re rescuing the poor creatures from becoming terrifying anthropomorphised godzillas.

“Help me.”

 

I did manage to fail one mission, and then these dodgy looking blokes appeared. So really you’re rescuing household pets from two guys dressed as stereotypical poachers from the 19th century. This seems like it’s a police matter. I’ve not done much research into it but I’m pretty sure that anti-poaching officers often have to resort to shoot-to-kill tactics and need guns or at least some gunpowder in a tube.

Artist: What graphic shall we use if the players fail? Producer: Oh maybe 2 guys dressed in khaki leaning against a giant broken heart sculpture. Artist: That doesn’t make much sense. Producer: Just draw the pictures Harold.

Luckily, after a few missions, gunpowder is exactly what you get. Fireworks. Absurdly though, you fire the fireworks at the pets and not the poachers. Come on King, have you even tried to think this through? It’s pretty obvious to most people that encouraging kids to launch fireworks at pets is pretty bloody despicable. It also feels a lot like letting the blocks fall onto the animals is going to hurt them. How many PETA members does King employ?

I think King should be banned from owning pets and I mean everyone who works there. Not just because the game encourages you to squash innocent animals and fire rockets at them, but because it doesn’t even matter if you don’t rescue them at all. Oh, you left 3 puppies behind? NEVERMIND, LEVEL COMPLETE -14,000 points!

Summary: Shit.